Illuminating Sunlight

Let someone love you just the way you are. As flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room. ~ Marc Chernoff

(Disclaimer: I am in NO WAY contesting my father's will, trust, or wishes regarding his will and trust with this and any future posts expressing my sadness around the events leading up to his death, his demise, the funeral, and the reading of his will. I am only conveying my natural human emotions regarding the fact that I didn't have all the information concerning my fathers feelings about me, my family, and some of my siblings, to learn of these feelings after his passing was truly heartbreaking for me and my children.)

Looking back over the first six weeks of 2017, I am in awe! In awe of the incredible love, light, and beauty that has increased in my own life in such a short amount of time; and, I am in awe at the incredible darkness, pain, and deceit that was hidden from me my whole life. 

My father passed away on January 14th, 2017, two weeks into the new year. Randy was such a wonderful support to me. He took over my jobs in our home so that I could go to my father's side and help care for him in his final 48 hours of life. Randy was a pillar of strength for me to lean on while I prepared for dad's funeral, allowing me to spend some much needed time alone in Logan to write my talk. And then, at the reading of my father's will, Randy was my steady rock that I clung to as the waves of despair, hopelessness, and incredible sadness washed over me threatening to drown me in endless pain. 

My last post in 2016 was so revealing looking back. My words about darkness give me comfort now as I am bound to do massive amounts of shadow work this year, diving deep into childhood traumas, peeling off the masks of my parents to reveal their true selves, searching for the stolen pieces of my soul while in my youth, and facing the moments, memories, and making of my darkest fears. I realize the ugly truths that had been concealed from me are the making of generations of pain, darkness, and wounds that have never healed, but were simply passed along, handed down, from my great-grandparents, to my grandparents, to my parents, and finally given to me. I will do anything to heal these wounds, not allowing them to penetrate any further than they have into my own posterity. 

 It was a cold, dark, wintry day when we laid our father in the ground. How fitting that at my father's grave side none of my family photos turned out. Our family is seated in the shadows; dark figures, hiding the truth of who we are. We are divided; separated by deep wounds caused by the man laying in this casket. We all received the wounds differently, at different times in our lives, and at different places. Yet, the pain is the same. 

There will be no riding off into the sunset for my siblings and I. Wounds this deep might not ever heal in this lifetime. However, my children, the family I have created with my wonderful husband, can have a beautiful future of closeness, familial bonds unbroken, and enduring love throughout their lives. That is my mission and main objective for healing my childhood wounds so as to not pass them on any longer. Let that pain end with me.

On January 29th, I was having a particularly hard day dealing with the hurt caused by my father's decisions in his life. That evening I was sitting at the kitchen table scrolling down my FB feed when I came to this meme. As I was reading about the 3rd eye kiss, Randy happened to walk over to me and planted a wonderfully sweet kiss right over my 3rd eye, which he doesn't do very often. He kisses me a lot every day, but not usually in that spot. I asked him, 'why did you do that?' He said, 'I just thought you needed a kiss, was I wrong?' I said, 'No, you were right, but look what I was reading when you kissed me,' and I showed him this meme. It was a beautiful conformation from the Universe to me that Randy and I are healing our wounds, more in sync than I thought, and truly listening to our intuition when it comes to working on our marriage.

The secret from the Universe for today is this, no matter how much darkness, sadness, pain, and suffering we feel it is never too much for the Light to transform into Love if we will surrender it. Time will heal nothing. Time is not a healer. Healing comes from hard work, tenacity, determination to heal, and allowing the Light to illuminate the dark rooms of our souls. There is so much meaning for me in this photo. Someday, I hope to look upon my memories of my father, once again with loving fondness, which is how I looked upon him on this day before the casket was closed for good and all my memories turned to crap. A shit storm was brewing of which I was totally unaware at this moment. It was good I didn't know the meanness of which he was capable while attending to him on his death bed, and while speaking at his funeral. 

When life gives you shit, plant flowers! Right now, my life is blooming in ways I never could have imagined because of all the shit I have recently received. The Lotus flower loves, and lives in, the mud. We can beautifully bloom in shit too! Be just like the sunflower, always seeking to live in the Light! Light is truly healing energy. Love and Light can heal all wounds. Shit and darkness have their place, it is true we need them both, but the Light is what will heal us. Yin and yang, the serpent and the dove, Light and dark, we need them both, but they must be in balance. Harmony, equilibrium, and balance is the key to walking through the shadows of your life. 




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